I have to say that I'm a huge fan of Bill Engvall's just because he is a recent comedian who reminds me so much of my fave: Bill Cosby. What he talks about is clean, true, fun and timeless. As humans, we make it so very easy to be made fun of just by "being". Two of my favorite acts of Engvall's are when he speaks about the labels that are put on objects because of the silly things people have done (and probably sued someone over)...like using the hair dryer in the shower, or what does happen to those people who actually read the directions on a bottle of shampoo (wash, rinse, repeat...do they ever leave the shower?). And my other, like many, is "Here's Your Sign...."
Now this weekend, after a sporting accident, yes I purposefully give my child a stick and tell her to go hit a small ball and other children (field hockey), my daughter ended up with a busted up hand (she's happy - no writing in school for a while :) But we went to the ER with blood dripping, ice bags wrapping it up, arm cradled and the doctor was observant enough to ask "What brings you in here today?" Hhhmm?
Okay, so I'm as guilty as any one else of doing these things every now and again but I couldn't help passing along a group of comments I saw recently - these just happen to be ones from attorneys in court...
Since, our first big day in court is tomorrow AND my little sister is an attorney AND I needed something light to start my Monday on a Tuesday off with, I thought I'd share a smile - Enjoy and hope EVERYONE had a wonderful and SAFE Labor Day Holiday!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..
Any other fun things you've heard that you can share?
Okay, so I'm as guilty as any one else of doing these things every now and again but I couldn't help passing along a group of comments I saw recently - these just happen to be ones from attorneys in court.
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