Sexual abuse of children is not inevitable, it is preventable…
I am 13 and this is my story – Please help me find a voice
My
name is Tivona. I'm not a famous author, model, or actor. I'm not Super
Girls trying to save the world or a Super Villain trying to destroy it.
I'm not anyone special except to my family. I'm just an ordinary, fun
loving, moody teenager. I'm just trying to grow up and live an average
life like everyone else. I'm 13. (Okay, I'll be 14 in a month and I
can't wait for a new year to start so maybe I can start fresh with my
life)
Yet,
there are days that I wake up and feel like I can't relate to anyone
else in the world. I want to be a ghost and disappear…There are days I
wish I weren't here. During the day, I maintain A's in school, I sing,
draw in my journal, hang out online with my friends, play the
saxophone, am an avid hunter and am a half back on my soccer team. Yet
at night, when I crawl into my warm bed – surrounded by my soft
blankets, my cats and more stuffed animals than you can count, I feel
so alone. So isolated. Like no one else in the world knows how I'm
feeling. It's at this time, that I have to deal with my own private
monsters and demons.
In
the dark, I feel like no one could understand me. I'm not worried about
the typical teenage stuff because my life over the last 3 years hasn't
been really ordinary. It's been conventional on the outside while pain
and guilt raged on the inside. Quietly, I've suffered. How could I tell
anyone that I was a victim of sexual assault? Who could I tell and who
would believe me?
What is my hope by sharing this story with you and your readers? It's two fold.
First,
as the daughter of someone in law enforcement and the niece of an
attorney, I have always been told, and led to believe, that if you do
something wrong – you are punished. There are consequences for your
behavior. Today, as I write you my story of sexual abuse at the hands
of a loved one, my abuser is free to roam the streets of our town
because the Prosecuting Attorney has not followed up on my case (8
months after disclosure). Please don't bring up the broken hinges on my
bedroom door to my dad either. They are a sore reminder of my teen-aged
temper tantrum that I displayed Friday night. After watching a news
report of a bus driver who was being accused of abuse just because he
had a child restrained and sitting on his lap, I stomped to my room and
slammed the door (just a little too hard I guess…oops). How can this
legal system of ours be so lopsided that it can prosecute this man and
put his picture on the TV for all to see while my abuser has just
returned from a vacation over seas and his 50 years of documented abuse
against me and other family members is being ignored? How can I get
someone to listen to my story, believe me and help prosecute this man
for his behavior? Didn't he repeatedly tell me "no one would listen and
believe"? So far, besides my parents, I guess he was right….
The
second reason I share my story is to help other children out there. Our
voices need to be heard! You need to listen to us now… not when we are
adults trying to heal from the abuse and the lasting effects it has on
the victim's lives. When children tell you about abuse, you need to
listen and BELIEVE. As children, we don't normally know these things we
are telling you about, unless it has happened to us.
I
know it is hard to listen to these accusations. I know it is hard to
comprehend that "this" person can do "these" things but there is a
"silent epidemic" occurring in this country and it is harming those of
us you have "sworn" to protect! Please take a minute to listen to our
"cries for help". They are not false or "made up". They are very real.
In some of our lives, there are truly monsters who hide "under our
beds" and "in our closets" at night just waiting for the darkness so
they can "attack". We rely on you to help and we need you now more than
ever!
Did
you know that in this country, the FBI estimates a woman is sexually
assaulted every 2 minutes? Or that the AMA estimates 1 in 5 boys and 1
in 4 girls will be sexually assaulted by the age of 18 (Child Abuse
& Neglect Vol 19, 1990). These numbers vary though because most of
these cases are never reported until years later – if at all.
(Estimates say 88% of cases are never reported. They are "dirty family
secrets" that are kept hidden so the perpetrator can abuse again and
again – many having victims before they are caught. Without treatment,
many victims can in turn become abusers themselves) In the year 2000,
the US Department of Health and Human Services estimated that there
were 60 million survivors of childhood sexual assault in America
(that's the same number of children we have living in the US today,
2007) and 320,400 new cases of assault that year.
Sexual
assault is not about sex, lust or passion. It is an act of power,
control, and violence used to dominate and humiliate another person and
it stole my "first kiss" and childhood dreams. Sexual assault occurs in
all types of relationships, affects boys and girls, and crosses all
boundaries of race and economic status. Perpetrators are friends,
family members (90 %) and strangers (only 10% of the time).
I
truly believe that society has the resources to put an end to this
epidemic. At the very least, we can drastically reduce it. Why don't
we? Are we too afraid it can happen in our own homes and that's scarier
to acknowledge than believing it is the "horrible monster we see on Law
and Order" that is causing this destruction? Perhaps you misread the
statistics?
Talking
about sexual abuse of children is crossing into frightening, unfamiliar
territory for many people. We live in a very confusing society with
hypocritical views on sex and sexuality. We easily flash sexual images
on our TVs and movie screens. We are uncomfortable talking about sex,
but we are willing to have it sold to us through songs, magazines and
advertisements. As children, how are we supposed to know the difference
between healthy and unhealthy demonstrations of affection and sexuality?
I
know that healing is a process, a journey. I know I will never forget
the assaults and abuse but I hope to grow from this experience and I
want to help others "escape" and grow too. PLEASE JOIN ME AND USE YOUR
VOICE TO HELP STOP THIS CYCLE OF VIOLENCE IN OUR COUNTRY.
Child
sexual assault is the world's deepest, darkest, best kept secret. How
many are out there, I guess we will truly never know. I am asking,
pleading with you to take a stand. Remind all those who choose to seek
out the children, that their behavior will not be tolerated no matter
who they are. I believe I did the right thing by finally "telling". I
truly hope that my openness can save other children. I told the police.
I was open and honest, even though it was extremely embarrassing to
retell my story to one stranger after another. I believed in the
process of the justice system. All I am asking is that the justice
system "believes in me too!"
Here's my story, it began in 1994:
People
talk about "Princesses". Royalty really isn't my thing – I enjoy the
"supernatural". Nevertheless, for years, I was truly a "Princess" in my
family. The "first born" for both sides of extended family, I entered
this world in grand fashion (an emergency C-section because I had
stopped breathing). For my loved ones, I truly was a miracle and
blessing. I grew and thrived from the attention and you can truly say
"I was rotten". So many camera flashes have gone off in my face over
the years it's amazing I am not blind. As an avid hunter, my
grandfather had me appreciating nature as soon as I could walk and
follow in his footsteps. Even my name, Tivona, means a "love for the
outdoors. This man was my "hero".
When
I was 4 1/2, my parents blessed me with a brother. I didn't ask for him
and am still trying to get the "best price" I can for his departure.
Despite that, deep down, (please don't tell him I'm saying this) he can
be a cool little brat to have around. He really does look out for me.
As kid's lives go, we both had it pretty good.
My
perfect, innocent "happily-ever-after-fairytale-princess" life and
childhood began to crumble and ended when I was 11. That was the year
my grandfather died. That was the year that my whole world began to
shatter into small pieces and fall apart around me. That summer, my
uncle would also begin to "groom" me for his own sexual pleasures and
means of "control". It began with slow rubs and touches and progressed
from there.
During
this time, my uncle gradually eroded our appropriate adult / child
boundaries, built a wall of secrecy around us and finally established
compliance through my fear. Over the next 2 ½ years, I was repeatedly
reminded that this was "our little secret" and I mustn't say a thing.
He told me that I would be to blame if anyone discovered our secret
little game. He repeatedly told me that: "This would really hurt my mom
if she knew" and that he would go to jail if I told. Each time he said
that, a part of me died. I betrayed what I knew was the "right thing to
do" because I was afraid "no one would believe me" and because I didn't
want my close knit family to fall apart. It just seemed easier to "go
along" than upset anyone. My life became a fraud and a fiction. Do you
know how much energy is consumed to keep a secret hidden from ourselves
and our families?
As
a family member, he had seduced us all. He had our devotion and love.
He was trustworthy and "above reproach". His popularity within our
family covered behaviors that should never have been tolerated. He was
a trusted friend and relative; a pillar of the community. He would
never do anything "shady" or inappropriate. That is what he hoped
everyone would believe if I ever told our "secret".
By
creating an untarnished image, he has convinced my beloved aunt and his
children that he is innocent and that I am lying and trying to destroy
his pristine image in our lives and our community. He has 'explained
away' most of his actions with excuses. When approached with his
inappropriate behaviors, he responded by being insulted and became
extremely defensive. Although never acknowledging the abuse, he never
once denied it either.
During
my short time in therapy, I have learned that pedophiles are like any
other predator. They stalk and hunt children as their prey. Many
predators, like mine, will spend weeks, months, and even years grooming
their victims. They are calculating, manipulative, and very, very
patient when it comes to achieving their goal. Molesters are charming.
They get along with everyone and are usually popular. They can be
upstanding members of the community and tend to present a perfect
image. Like my uncle, they are "great guys" and "everybody's friend".
They are charming and intimidate other adults into believing they are
above reproach. Their behavior is a controlled public image – for I
know all too well about their private behaviors. My counselor says she
has never met a "child molester she didn't like".
Today,
I wonder if he is capable of feeling, let alone harbors a conscience.
And did he, in all those years of wonderful memories, ever really love
me? Is he sorry for the destruction he has caused in all of our lives,
even though he refuses to admit it? I'd like to know WHY? Why did he
chose to cross that line of trust? And HOW? How could he show up year
and year, event after event? Just pretending, never showing how he was
hurting me and how he had hurt my aunt and his granddaughter before me
(and those to chose to harbor that pain internally for years until I
told)? How could he torcher us all like that with his "games"? Yes, I
know I will never get the answers that I want or deserve but I continue
to silently wonder....
Like
any other addict, when asked, he creates excuses for all around him to
explain his behavior and he has placed the blame for his behavior
solely on me (just like he said he would). He has made me lose faith in
myself, all in an attempt to control me. There are mornings when I wake
up that I don't recognize the "girl in the mirror". I feel as if my
spirit has been surgically extracted.
There
are days I act like a wounded animal: crying, attacking, and
retreating. I am working to understand this is not my fault. I ask for
reassurance that my perpetrator was a liar when he said that I had
control and could stop it anytime. I agonize over the line of
appropriate touch at the same time my hormones are throwing me into
that "time of my life". I am filled with confusion, anger and premature
sexualization at a time when I'm already battling those issues. Talk
about the "straw that could break the camel's back". My judgment where
adult males are concerned is skewed. I struggle with the fact that my
uncle made me feel as an accomplice in this whole lie.
The
pain is similar to jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. I
mourn the loss of my relationship with my Aunt. I have bad dreams;
break into tears for no reason and battle anger – at my perpetrator and
my extended family for letting this happen to me. I can say: I take it
day by day. Sometimes minute by minute. Sometimes I have to remember to
breathe.
I want consequences for my uncle's behavior but I wish they could be beneficial for him as well (therapy) – if that's possible.
Today,
the reports have been filed, the secrets are out. So how can he be free
to just roam about? Don't I have the right to be Safe, Strong and Free?
(Don't so many other victims have that same right?) The prosecuting
attorney has yet to file charges because there were no witnesses and
they can't see my broken heart and sole. It's his word against mine.
Without formal charges, his name will NEVER be on a sexual predator
list, many others aren't either because only 1 in 16 perps are actually
prosecuted if you can believe that or not!! And only 6% of those people
will ever spend time in jail! Are your kids safe?
There
has been no justice. Even after justice is served, this case will be
over for those of you reading and those who have worked on my case, but
for me and my family, this is still just the beginning – a new
beginning I hope but a part of our lives we will never forget.
My
advice to you? Educate your children. Set "rules". We like rules and
it's easier to tell when a rule has been broken. Teach your children
age appropriate information about their bodies. Tell them it is okay to
say "NO". And, that it's okay to break a promise they might make about
sexual abuse. Teach your children that a person who sexually abuses a
child can be anyone and that they need to tell even when the offender
is someone they like, love or even live with. Finally, let your child
know that if sexual abuse happens to them, they are still a good
person, they are still lovable and they you believe them and will love
them no matter what!
Instead
of just responding to the aftermath of abuse, why not focus on
prevention? This is a widespread illness that requires new attitudes
and change – I know that first hand from my own experiences. Child
sexual abuse is an adult problem – the responsibility shouldn't all be
placed on us as children. Sometimes, even if we know it's "okay and
right" to tell, it is still hard for us to do. Please watch out for
us…look for the signs and report them…
Education is a powerful tool – let's use it! I am hoping that the America I grow up in will be better for my children.
